Colton: Episode 1

Hello, faithful readers. We are back for another season of The Bachelor. I may or may not continue the blog as the season goes on. I won’t be making any promises. You guys know how it goes. If you have been following my life since the very beginning of this blog, I want to make a special announcement: I am still in grad school. Shocker. Colten has gotten muchhhhh hate for being The Bachelor. I like him and think he’s super hot. He hangs out with dogs and his job is running a foundation for kids with cystic fibrosis. Haters need taaaaa go.

Anyways, you guys need to follow the Instagram account, @thebachelorbruhhh. They posted the funniest meme of Tia this week and I laughed out loud in church for 10 minutes @God gets it. The eyeballs touching hahahahahaha.

If you missed it, something very fun and life changing that happened recently is that my friends Emily and Jet did a thing and got me this for Christmas:

https://www.cameo.com/v/P7BG1LwWD

IF YOU DIDN’T CLICK THE LINK YOU ARE SERIOUSLY MISSING OUT ON MY HAPPINESS.

I actually do have an announcement. I got extremely bored one night and couldn’t sleep and I got in a really deep hole of spoilers. I do know who wins. I will keep my opinion very unbiased.

Okay guys, just now tuning in 38 minutes into the show. I’m sure I didn’t miss anything. I can tell that I didn’t because there is a line at a hot tub and Crystal and Chris are in it? This seems unnecessary. I saw on Instagram today that they are getting their own reality show on YouTube or something. Sounds like something approximately no one will watch.

OH MY GOSH KAITLYN AND JOJO LOOK SO FREAKING HOT!

Don’t care.

Don’t care.

Don’t care.

Limo Entrances

Okay time for my favorite part. My friends are here too: Madelyn, Paige, Brit, and Carlee (who is strictly not my friend, we are cousins).

1. Demi: That’s an influencer dress made for pics in the desert.

2. Tayshia: She cute. Paige says she’s fake.

3. Heather: Looks like Emily Sharpe (a friend of mine).

4. Nicole: Seems like she’s going to be the too drunk insecure girl. We shall see.

5. Caelynn: Weird flex. Give it up sis. IF SHE’S 23 THAN I’M 12.

6. Sydney: Panty hose back.

7. Elyse: Tear drop necklace.

8. Tahzuan: Prom 2013.

9. Cassie: Madelyn says she’s going to last for awhile and get her feelings hurt a lot.

10. Kirpa: SIS I wore that bronzer when I was 19. Covergirl loose powder bronzer. Anyone else?

Here is me for reference: 

 

11. Caitlin: Christopher Robin wanna be.

12. Courtney: That was a crunchy ass peach.

13. Katie: Nothing to say.

14. SLOTH: Amazing flex. What if it’s Tia?

15. Onyeka: idk

16. Erika: idk

17. Hannah B: She’s a #Swiftie

18. Tracy: A lot of hype. No follow through.

19. Angelique: idk

20. Devin: Doily patterned dress.

21. Revian: Like the color of the dress.

22. Nina: The boobs I want.

23. Alex B: More sequins yayyyyyy.

24. Bri: We bow down to you.

25. Laura: Hanger straps are hanging out on her dress.

26. Hannah G: That was clever.

27. Annie: She was on The Ellen Show, remember guys?

28. Jane: Brit wanna be.

29. Catherine: DJ CATHY/Paris Hilton/Corrine 2.0. Good blonde hair color. @haleysloanhair will approve.

30. Erin: We all know a girl who would do this.

On an actual serious note, thank God there are less white women than ever this season. There is much more ethnic and cultural representation, ’bout time.

Garett and Jared are dressed extremely down and Colton’s bronzer/airbrush is really blotchy on his forehead.

Cocktail Party

Okay now cocktail party time. Demi is hilarious. Madelyn said she looks like me which is completely not true, but I enjoyed the compliment.

Kirpa and Colton holding hands:

Hannah G. seems completely normal. I’ll be following her on Instagram. First kiss goes to Caelynn which was absurd because she said “he kisses good for a virgin.” What happened in health class after I graduated high school? I don’t remember what her name is, but the girl who is coloring on the brand new white vans needs to go. This is why we can’t have nice things. She’s also wearing a cropped wife beater??? Also, do you guys know what this shirt is? Because I just realized that I’ve been calling it a “wife beater” like someone who beats their wife? Why am I just now noticing this and why do we (I) say this?

I love Paris/Catherine interrupting everyone. You can’t fight with someone when you’re wearing a sequins dress from DEB, girls. Catherine wins this fight.

Hannah G. gets the first impression rose.

I’m not watching the rest of this episode because I don’t care who goes home. Cinderella prob went home though.

As always, let me know in the comments or DM’s who your favorites are and what you thought of the episode!

xoxo,

Kimber

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(Originally posted here)

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