49 Things I’ve Thought While App Dating

(alternatively titled 49 Things I’ve Thought While Swiping Through An Experience My Parents Will Never Understand)

Funny how quickly you can become accustomed to a stream of implicit rejection, isn’t it? Here’s to everyone else that’s liking, swiping, and doing their best to put themselves out there this Valentine’s Day (and every day). May we all find what we’re looking for and continue to be resilient in our pursuit to find what everyone else seems to already have.

  1. No one told me being able to quote every episode of The Office was a prerequisite to dating in 2019.
  2. Could I be the Pam to his Jim?
  3. Is that his ex?
  4. A sister?
  5. Oh, second cousin thrice-removed. Got it.
  6. I wonder if he got a dog so he could put “dog dad” on his profile…
  7. That dog is sooo fluffy!
  8. I don’t care what his astrological sign is.
  9. Do I really want to date a Gemini?
  10. Cool mirror selfie.
  11. Oh, another mirror selfie.
  12. A gym mirror selfie!
  13. Wait, which one is he?
  14. Are those his kids?
  15. Oh, he’s an uncle!
  16. *Swipes left.*
  17. *Swipes left.*
  18. *Swipes left.*
  19. He’s… Kind of cute? *Swipes left.*
  20. How is he 27 and still single?
  21. Idk El, how are you 27 and still single?
  22. “6’3″ because apparently that matters.”
  23. Is it bad that I think it does matter?
  24. Am I that shallow?
  25. *Swipes left.*
  26. *Swipes left.*
  27. *Swipes left.*
  28. I guess I really am that shallow.
  29. He looks too adventurous for me.
  30. How normal can a person that self-identifies as “normal” really be?
  31. “Can take care of myself.”
  32. The bar has never been lower.
  33. He’s cute!
  34. What’s the harm in a tiny swipe to the right?
  35. Oh no, we matched.
  36. Help, help, help.
  37. What do I say?
  38. Just how clever was his profile?
  39. Just say something funny, El!
  40. I’ve never felt more boring in my entire life.
  41. What does my profile look like again?
  42. Who even am I?
  43. Is he already talking to six other people?
  44. Am I even mad if he is?
  45. Will we have to chat all day, every day until we meet?
  46. Do I even want to meet?
  47. What if he can’t hold a conversation?
  48. What if he doesn’t understand sarcasm?
  49. *Unmatches.*

Good luck. Swipe on. 

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